i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
