I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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