Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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