I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
