Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
