Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize