Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
