Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
