So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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