I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
