What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize