Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
