my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
