Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
