i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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