I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
