Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
