I haven't been this sober since birth.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
