He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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