Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize