I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize