Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
