Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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