so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
