remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
