I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
