Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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