Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
