He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
