Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
