i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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