cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
