JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
