I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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