Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
