Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
