He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
