dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
