I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
