Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
