Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
