fuck your aforementioned shoe
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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