Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
