i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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