Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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