When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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