You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
