My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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