I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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