I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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