I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
