Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
