Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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