one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
