hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
