Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
