these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you would pick up someone in the library
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
