She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
